Life with ADHD and Chronic Illness
I read not too long ago that studies of women’s bodies in medicine didn’t start happening until much later. The biggest example that stood out for me was the fact that ADHD had only ever been observed in boys. It wasn’t until the 70’s that medicine started looking at girls and their presentation of ADHD. So many women, including myself, are getting a late-in-life diagnosis of ADHD. I wouldn’t be 47 until I get a diagnosis for ADHD. And, like so many other women, things finally started to make sense.
I had spent most of my life masking my ADHD just to fit in. I was smart, but I would consistently fail every test and exam I took. I would stare out into space and daydream as I found I couldn’t focus as a young child. I always felt I didn’t know how to study, so I tried every technique. I’d use cue cards, rewrite my notes, record voice notes, highlighters and tutors. When I had math tutors, they would say to my parents, “She knows what she’s doing,” but somehow I would still fail every test. I’d cry as I stared blankly at a page of notes or formulas. My mind instantly went blank.
Fast forward to when I decided to pursue my master’s degree. The drive and passion I had for what I was studying would give me the ability to focus. I would still need a sense of urgency to write my research papers, but I would get them done. I was always good at English, and it was maybe the one area in which I still managed to excel in school and pass exams. Procrastination has been a lifelong companion, and an ongoing list of things to do and ways I’ve failed wants to replay constantly throughout my day.
I am still navigating this and trying to find ways to flourish despite ADHD. I have found a few things that help, and at the same time, I am still trying to “hack” my brain to accomplish more. Dealing with chronic illness on top of ADHD was another huge challenge for me. Suddenly, my ability to keep moving was taken from me. I needed frequent rest, and my lists just got longer and more overwhelming. Suddenly, I couldn’t do much, and initially, this was easier to accept than not.
When I first started having symptoms associated with my neurological condition, I didn’t know what it was. It started as a sore throat that wouldn’t go away. Then it morphed into a feeling of pressure in my ears, and then slowly into my head, feeling like it was going to explode and my ears too! My eyes were so sore, and my vision started going sideways. But like many of us, although terrified of the symptoms, I thought surely this would resolve, that this would be just a really bad virus that needed treatment.
But then it didn’t…and because what I had was rare, it would take a lot of doctors and specialists to help narrow down what was happening. My new job became survival and dealing with a new reality. Life as I had known it was changing…rapidly. I had a new job that I loved and was just starting to get my feet wet. I was struggling because of my health issues, but I didn’t see my career coming to an abrupt halt. We had moved our family for my job and my husband’s health. All of a sudden, we were thrust into a life where both of us would need care. My husband, being the man he is, felt he should step up and be the caregiver. I wasn’t able to do much for close to a year. I spent months sleeping to escape the agony. I would be on medication that brought even more symptoms to contend with, but it was essential to save my eyesight. My children would care for me, too, and this was humbling for me and also completely frustrating in other aspects. All of a sudden, my long-term ways to cope with my (unknown at the time) ADHD symptoms would all of a sudden come to a grinding halt. Initially, I would be in too much pain to think much about it. But as time progressed and I was stuck in this loop, I wondered if I would ever be whole again. How would I cope with this rising need to move and accomplish when I could barely lift my head off the pillow without sheer agony?
When motion is what keeps you feeling sane, and all of a sudden, you are inert, it is a form of torture. I had to sit by while I asked others to do things for me, and found myself often saying that “I would like to be able to do that,” it’s not a choice I wanted taken from me. There was such a breaking that occurred in my heart and soul, allowing me to be vulnerable in ways I couldn’t have ever predicted.
If you or someone you love is dealing with both ADHD and chronic illness, they may struggle even more with their mental health. It’s already a time of grieving and changing things in your life and relationships. But it’s good to be aware that it may also elevate the chronic illness survivor’s ability to cope with things. Whether it be the pain, the thoughts, the loss of their abilities or livelihood. All of a sudden, the ways they coped, perhaps with stress and managing ADHD, also ground to a halt, leaving them flailing. I hope to share more about what helped me cope with the double impact of ADHD and chronic illness in another post.
